Things Are Going Well

I recognize that my writing has been sporadic lately. I haven’t had many pivotal insights of an impersonal quality lately. There’s nothing I could write at this moment that wouldn’t amount to bearing my soul more than I care to at this point. Suffice it to say that I highly recommend looking at the deepest roots of any issues you may have.  It may be painful, but it is worth it.

Over the past few weeks, I have been yelled at.  I have been protected.  I have been loved.  I have been scrutinized.  I have drawn closer to some people than I ever imagined, and I have found myself at a distance from people who once traveled very near to my heart.

It’s like waking up one day and realizing that I am a woman—an adult woman, not just a girl.  And more than that, I have grown into a woman I like—not a perfect woman or anyone I thought I’d be, but someone I enjoy.  There is no need to hate myself.  There is every reason to be patient. All women are still little girls in part.

If I could admonish you to anything, it would be to embrace love and to do the thing that scares you.  Those are the only two things I have found helpful in guiding my recent decision making: love and facing fear. 

Always face the fear.  You may have to cry the entire time, but face it and walk through it.  Love keeps you alive. 

The Internet Is Not My Friend

The more I delve into this world of websites and blogs and Facebook pages and all the nonesuch that goes along with the virtual realm, the more I see that a virtual connection can never equal the connection I feel with a person one-on-one, in the flesh. It's nice to have contact with people I can't see or touch in the moment, but virtual interaction mostly feels like a teaser until I can actually see those individuals and wrap my arms around them.

Still, I love that I get to know so many of you through this blog and email.  I would never have met you otherwise!  Nonetheless, I'm encouraging everyone to go out and get a real hug today, from someone warm and living.  If people make you cringe today, find a pet!  If that is still too invasive for you, try a tree… or maybe just do some journaling to examine your resistance...

I send all my love to you but remind you all that the internet is not your friend; it is a means to connect with other people—friends, foes, and everything in between.  Friendship is the heart connection with others.  Don’t get trapped in thinking that connecting virtually is all there is.  A phone call, a random visit, a letter—these are all ways to reenter the world of flesh and blood interaction and experience how special it is.

I will not disparage virtual connections.  I love them and would not do without them.  But how can a computer compare to walking outside, under the trees, on a day as beautiful as this one in Houston, Texas?

So, once again, get out there and get your hug!  But become a fan of my Facebook page first ;) www.facebook.com/michellecowanonline

Safe Love

Where does love meet self-preservation? When does a relationship become too much for me? How do I balance my desire to help another with my own needs?

Some call it loving with limits. But for a romantic like me, who prefers a limitless view of love, it’s easier for me to call it loving safely.

Thinking about true love as a safe love helps me to not put up too-thick barriers of self-protection. I don’t have to be in defense mode all the time, on guard against all the people that could potentially hurt me. Relationships are complicated and difficult. I’m going to get hurt occasionally. I don’t want to hang myself up on that reality and block myself off from deep connection in an attempt to ward off pain.

Instead of living a mistrustful life and avoiding any potential complications, I can enter into relationships with open eyes and make decisions based on the safety of everyone involved. If I start realizing that I don’t have the internal or external resources to deal with the issues someone else brings into my life, I need to back off and/or tell the other person that it has become too much for me. I have to be even more in touch with myself than with the other person.

When I think about my relationship choices in terms of safety, backing off, breaking up, or having difficult conversations seem like less hurtful actions. I’m not blaming; I’m not running scared. I’m not being inconsiderate or self centered. I’m doing what’s best for everyone involved. I’m trying to love in the best way I know how, and that could take the form of limiting the amount or nature of contact I have with someone.

A relationship is never worth spiraling myself into peril. Facing fears is different than putting myself in danger, and communication is often the key to deciphering which category a particular situation falls into. I can acknowledge my fears or doubts and even discuss them with the other person most of the time before making any rash decisions. If I think that things we are doing or habits we have with each other are putting one or both of us in potential jeopardy, I can say so. I don’t have to keep my mouth shut to preserve positive feelings.

When I have engaged people I care about in these difficult kinds of conversations, one or both of the following usually occurs: 1) the relationship grows more intimate; or 2) I learn something meaningful about myself and humanity. Number two is a guaranteed result, as long as I’m paying attention. Number one is a bonus. Other relationships have to end or change in significant ways.

For today, I am listening to my friends’ problems, hearing their joys, and staying involved as much as I can. But I am also honoring my need for rest, for introspective time alone, and for safe distance from potentially harmful behavior. My goal is safety, my shield is awareness, and my sword is honesty. May I fight the honorable and loving fight.

Hope, Honesty, Curiosity, and Love

Never underestimate hope, honesty, curiosity, or love. When in doubt, choose one of those.

Hope. Some would say that hope is weak, that a person should do more than just hope. As long as ideas, dreams, and desires remain hopes, they remain unreal. But I counter that sometimes hope is all we have.

While individuals like the homeless desperately need food and shelter, they also need hope. Without regular reminders of life’s potential goodness, how will the disadvantaged feel motivated to pursue anything? How can a person strive for something they have never been made aware of? People in difficult circumstances many times do not have the access, knowledge, or mental/physical capacity, to actively make life changes. But if they have hope, at least their lives can be a little more bearable right now, until the appropriate access, knowledge, or help does come along.

Honesty. Relationships hinge on honesty. I don’t feel clean and free unless I am fully myself, not hiding anything. As long as I hold back something that needs to be said, I only partially express myself. Honesty means more than telling the truth about events or feelings; it’s about being one’s true self at all times.

I want to live my life without the need to hide anything. To achieve this, I will spend less time worrying about what other people think and more time saying the things that get caught between my heart and my lips. I can also respect who other people are and cherish it when they share honestly with me. Honesty breeds honesty, which leads to deeper, more fulfilling relationships. Disagreements I often avoid can lead to meaningful meetings of the minds.

Curiosity. I can usually infuse any emotion I’m feeling with curiosity and get a beneficial outcome. It’s as simple as asking questions. Say I feel afraid. Instead of cowering or trying to escape, I can ask, “What do I fear? Why do I fear that? What belief is generating this response? Can I let go of that belief?” If angry or resentful, I can ask, “Who am I angry with? Am I angry with myself? Is there something I can create with this anger? Is there something that needs to be said?”

Asking questions usually yields more fulfilling results than yelling at someone or sending a nasty email. Practicing curiosity helps me become a better listener and learner as well as fostering an increasing understanding of myself and others.

Love. All of the above open us up to loving more and better. When we catch a glimpse of the bright side, we can share that with others. We can grow love as a community through shared hope.

Honesty uncovers buried layers in people, allowing us to appreciate the hidden treasures in ourselves and others. By committing to honesty, we become more courageous and free to do all the loving acts we’ve always dreamed of.

And curiosity helps us find love in unexpected places. By remaining inquisitive toward the world, we see love where we thought only resentment existed.

Choosing to love can seem daunting. Sometimes, I need to choose one of the other three in order to make it there. It’s always worth it.

The Ultimate Desire ~ The Ultimate Teacher

I do what I do. I have tried being productive. I have tried following set schemes with predetermined goals. None of that has worked. Now, I reach the point of exhaustion and let my mind flit back and forth amongst within the tangley tree of genius ideas growing inside my heart and brain.

Tangley, tangley… There’s nothing left but words that don’t exist and ideas that could change the world if only someone else could hear them. This mishmash of phrases, if strung together correctly, would comprise the greatest book ever written, and I lie in it, doing nothing about it, wishing I would but not. Just lying still, waiting—waiting for love to come, wanting it so badly I can taste it.

A voice inside assures me that it is coming, that it is very near—this love I want. And it reminds me of all the love I currently have—love that, although it is not the romantic, all-enduring, physically and emotionally satisfying love I envision, is a great love of many different kinds from many different people. For who among us are lucky enough to receive all the kinds of love we need from a single person? The best of us stumble across someone who contains most of them. The majority find someone who satisfy enough. Perhaps others settle for less.

The combination of people in our lives represents all the different kinds of love available, and there are many kinds of love. We keep finding new kinds as we meet each new person along the way or enter into new levels of intimacy with old friends. Love changes, grows, fades, evolves, mutates, and teaches us everything.

More than any book I have read or lecture I’ve attended, more than any pamphlet, meeting, retreat, self-improvement/actualization/reflection activity, technique, or spiritual event, love—and always love—teaches me. The wonder of love transcends any other experience, whether figuring out how to build a career, how to solve an equation, or how to lace a pair of shoes. More than functional lessons, love—not the projects and causes and efforts I participate in—gives me all I need to know, teaching and amazing me in new ways every time.

I adore the big loves, the loves that sweep me off my feet and take me to new places in life I wouldn’t have known to go before love and I collided. It rescues me every time. And I want a rescue now—and every day. We all need love every day. But I’m praying for a big one, a magic one, a knock-your-socks-off, send-you-into-new-worlds love.

It doesn’t have to be for a person; it doesn’t have to be romantic (although those tend to be most powerful), just a love that takes me somewhere I cannot see on my own. I need new sight. And love grows new eyes.