I feel a bit discouraged today, a typical occurrence after the kind of high I had over the weekend. I felt immensely supported and appreciated. My performance on Sunday went well, plus I received some serious spiritual nurturing while talking to my best friend and others throughout the past few days. That deep sense of connection mattered more than I expected. I also visited the home of an artist who creates beautiful paintings. I felt privileged simply to get to know this person, not to mention the work we did together on an art/music project on Saturday. I scoped out her studio and her home, which felt comfy and accepting, like a family -- or rather, the way we wish family would be
I have found myself trying to strike out, away from my family of origin just a bit. I adore my parents and feel loved by them, but I also hunger for a family of my own choosing, a family made up of friends and supportive people who know me in different ways. I am seeing that family sprout up around me, and I felt fantastic gratitude for it over the past two days.
It's strange to feel so absolutely fulfilled and then to feel quite alone. Today, I have called people, I have reached out, but my heart is aching. I know exactly what it aches for, but no action on my end can sate this hunger. Do you ever have those same yearnings? Are there things in your life that you want but cannot have? This sort of thing cuts a person like me to ribbons, a person who has discovered that people can have pretty much anything they want just by dreaming and asking and working and remaining open to receive. Then, here I am, faced with something I cannot get for myself, not this time.
In any case, this is a typical dip for me. I just came off of a fulfilling, nourishing time, and it's hard for the rest of life to live up to that standard. I am feeling my loneliness right now and also reveling in a pool of joy left over from the weekend. It's there, but my sadness is, admittedly, clouding it a bit.
Nonetheless, I am resurrecting my spirit by writing this piece, by thinking about music, reading and learning things today. I have reached out, and I am embracing this day for what it is.
I remain confident that I will continue to make decisions that reflect who I am and what I desire while also accepting the pullback resulting from taking such confident actions. I'm a bit tired and did a lot of socializing, so perhaps it is okay to pull inward a bit before stepping back out again, ready to take on the new challenges I've set for myself. Off we go.