Relationships

Relationships are difficult for me. Not just romantic relationships, but any kind of social interaction. I tend to put on my performance face when I’m with people because it takes a less personal kind of energy to entertain than it does to honestly share who I am. But relationships teach me things no other tool can. Books, personal reflection, writing, music, therapy, and anything else I use to examine my heart cannot match the uncovering power of relationships. However, when I use those other tools to examine the dynamics I experience with other people, it always amazes me what I discover.

Now, to many people, the importance of relationships is rather obvious. Not so for me. I long denied that anyone had any need for anyone else. And truly, maybe we don’t need others. But history shows (when one looks at recluses and isolated artists) that life is typically much shorter and much darker without regular interpersonal exchange. So, what is it that I am currently learning from others? Why do I choose not to shun people and turn completely inward? I require an enormous amount of room for introspection, but I am finding that I need a regular social injection in order to achieve a peaceful balance.

For today, my relationships are teaching me that I need love and need to give love. Secondarily, they teach me how to love others and how I need to be treated in order to feel love. How about a summary of some points recently brought to my attention?

First of all, I need attention. I need a lot of attention. I crave it. I fear that if I don’t receive enough, I will go slipping off the face of the earth, and no one will ever notice. It seems that many people need much less of this precious commodity than I. And I tend to berate myself for craving so much from others. But once I accept my need for attention, I see that there are many people out there more than willing to give it. Besides, I am always excited to attend to others. When people bless me with their interest, they receive it back. The difficulty, for me, is asking for this attention.

I also need touch. I used to shun physical contact. I was so protective of my body, I couldn’t handle any sort of invasion. Now, I long for someone to reach out and hold me. I ask for hugs. I need them. I need these things. No shame in that.

I also need challenge. I need people who challenge me intellectually, especially. And this can be hard to find. I’m an intelligent woman, and I find myself bored by some crowds. It’s a treasure to find someone I can learn from. Of course, I learn something from everyone, even people who might be categorized as “less intelligent” than I. Perhaps emotional intelligence is more specifically what I crave. People courageous enough to look deep and make bold statements fascinate me. Knowledge of politics, engineering, history, or any particular topic only half-impresses me. People with self-knowledge and a spirit hungry to learn more…now that intrigues me.

I try to cultivate these same abilities and interests in myself as I interact with others. I seek not just to learn facts, but to remain hungry for any kind of knowledge. I pay attention to what people say and do and attempt to verbalize things I notice. And I am willing to touch others, to give myself to them. All of these developments come at their own pace within me. It can be tough to sit still and truly be with someone, to put my racing mind on the backburner. But it hurts people’s feelings when I am only partially with them. I can turn off my cell phone and release my to-do list long enough to have a thirty minute conversation. I hope to receive that from others.

I can be vulnerable and give someone a hug, come closer and really look someone in the eye. I can ask people questions about their lives instead of always trying to give them advice about how I think they should live it. They probably know best what to do for themselves. Personally, I want help making up my own mind, not the ideas of others forced upon me.

It can be difficult to remember these things when faced with people who have not developed these characteristics or curiosities. I can forget how important it is to truly pay attention to someone when I am not being paid attention to in a kind, caring way. I begin to think that that sort of self-involvement is perfectly fine. But it’s not. I can be concerned with myself. I must take care of myself first. But when I am engaged with someone else, I must ALSO consider the other person. I am not the only one who matters. Being with people who are overly concerned with themselves is tiring and frustrating. Distraction like that impedes connection. Perhaps there are relationships I have grown away from. People change, after all, and we cease to connect sometimes.

So I cherish the reminders I receive from people as they pay attention to me. It spurs me on to pay attention to others. When touched, I am more ready to touch. When challenged, I am more ready to challenge. Love is out there. And I’m learning where I can expect to receive it, where I like to give it, and where I am not receiving what I need. In the end, I hope to let it all go and pursue true love.

I am ready to take care of myself. And I am ready to be taken care of. Relationships teach me how to do these things.

Random Words

Don’t hurt yourself! You just tripped on my cloak of fabulosity!

I know it’s tempting to tread on my amazing qualities, but please don’t. I want you to glory in your shining, authentic self. Please let me glow in mine.

And do not try to force me to wear your cloak. I like who I am. If you want me to be like you, I need to reexamine how close I let you get to my wardrobe.

Late Bloomer?

I heard stories yesterday about people’s pasts. Every now and again, curiosity crops up in me about what life would have been like had I not been so distracted by my eating disorder during high school and college. In many ways, I feel like I fell behind, and these recovery years somewhat reflect a struggle to catch up with my peers.

Many people my age won promising internships during college that have enabled them to step directly into the field of their choice, receiving healthy paychecks for work they are trained for and talented at. Others were able to get into fabulous schools out of high school and college, and such schools often provide stepping stones and assistance in job placement. I feel like others spent time figuring out what they wanted to do, while I was busy flailing about, knowing only that I didn’t want to be doing the things I was doing then.

I see people who are successful in graduate school, well on their way to professorships. I see people working as assistants or even editors in the publishing field thanks to prestigious internship programs. I see others acting or singing, recording songs and even selling them because they spent time honing their craft and meeting significant people.

And I feel left behind. I still don’t feel secure enough in recovery to devote myself to more graduate study. I missed the publishing internships, which is definitely a strike against me; no two ways about it. But I cannot change that past. I never joined a band, never made music contacts, but I can’t change my previous disinterest and fear. I can only live now. I can take this life for what it is. However, that doesn’t make me feel like less of a failure when the thoughts come.

But last night shifted my perspective a bit. I sat in a room with other women of different ages, all with eating disorders. None of them are bums, nor would I consider any of them unsuccessful. But many started late. And here’s the kicker, they’re stronger for it.

I began to see my life as a flower that did not bloom late, but in perfect time. I have been given things I’m ready for as life has prepared me for them. And now, I am starting to see how recovery has prepared me for things I would not be able to understand or embrace without it. And if I had been given an internship or if I were still in graduate school, I would not be having a pleasant time. My recovery has come at just the right moment. I feel strong. When I am in a recovered state of mind, I love life as it is, without attaining any dreams. Paradoxically, as I let go of endless striving, many of my dreams have been fulfilled.

I strongly believe that I exude a maturity only developed through facing such a difficult personal trial. I am still immature in many ways. I often feel not quite as experienced as most others my age. However, many of those people do not have the same type of hard-fought personal maturity I do. They do not know how to be alone with themselves or what introspection means. They can’t empathize with people who struggle with personal strongholds (though they will surely experience one themselves at some point). They may be more socially astute, more sexually experienced, and at a more prestigious place in their careers, but many lack the depth I saw in the women I spoke with last night. They will get it eventually. Everyone learns the same lessons, just at different times in life.

I saw so clearly last night that my job matters very little in terms of advancement or prestige. What matters is that I truly enjoy doing it or that I can make enjoyable somehow. I am where I need to be. And I honestly believe that.

I have significant space in my life allotted for recovery, significant space for friends, for introspection, for writing, for music, for family. I don’t work sixty hours per week, and I would not want to. I do not enjoy my job nearly enough for that. But I also have no residual stress from my job. I have flexible hours and great friends to talk to throughout the day. My work location is convenient, and I do get projects I get lost in from time to time. When I’m not engrossed in a project, I deal with the boredom by reaching outside my work and living life even while there. I have numerous gifts.

I saw that one’s occupation need not define her. Some people identify closely with their work. Eventually, I hope to, too. To be a “writer” or a “musician” or a “speaker” who makes her living by her craft definitely appeals to me. But for now, I do not identify greatly with my job. People ask what I do, and I tell them. But I also tell them that I am a writer at heart, that I do music, and that right now, I’m concentrating on friends, family, and personal development. Those are my real occupations.

And I can trust that the time will come for me to experience my vocation. One day, I, too, might have a family and get swept away in that. I might do just about anything. But recovery appears to be a precursor to all of it. When I deny that, my need for recovery asserts itself, as I’ll find myself having difficulty with food or anxiety. The world doesn’t value recovery and often doesn’t understand it. But attention must be paid to that area first in order for anything else fulfilling to happen. I gain no prestige for the time I take off to go to therapy, to try new foods, to stretch myself. The world does not mark these on a scale of success. But I do. I am successful. And yes, I may not reach the upper echelons of corporate life or garner an enormous paycheck. I may never have a highly respected profession. But I will have a fulfilling life.

I had graduate school. I lived in another country. I did all of that. And I was miserable because I couldn’t figure out how to stay in recovery there. Daily, I choose to give up the things the world prizes for a deeper peace. And it’s okay. I see how these other women’s lives have taken turns without much manipulation or scheming on their part. They simply recover, follow their dreams, and move with life. So will I. And I will be happy.

"Cool" Me

I want to accept my introverted nature. I see people going out all the time, extroverts or introverts who like to be surrounded by people, and I think something must be wrong with me. I love going out with my friends, but a night in often hits the spot. I forget that not everyone has hobbies like reading, writing, and practicing music. Others enjoy team sports or shopping or chatting with friends at every turn. I, too, relish going out with friends on a night when I am in the mood, but it appears that frequently, I require an evening alone, enjoying me, doing the things I like to do on my own.

Why do I deny myself that pleasure? Well, because staying in does not match the image I have of myself as a "cool" person. The cool version of me finds interesting things to do, goes out, dances, lives it up, and has long, deep conversations with people into the wee hours. She doesn't sit around watching TV or reading until 9:30, when she starts packing it up for an early bedtime. But guess what? The real version of me likes BOTH. And that's far cooler.

However, knowing that I am cooler as a balanced person does not mean that I always act on that knowledge. In fact, this notion of a "cool" self permeates the overall vision I have for my life and leads to cycles of disappointment.

"Cool" me would have X job in X location and would be working on projects X, X, and X. She would live in X kind of place and keep X hours and wear X kind of clothing. She would be at X place in her career, relationships, and life goals. She would have X number of influential contacts. The list goes on and on - of things "cool" me has, that the real me does not.

Truth be told, I am content with my life. I am not bored. I enjoy the things I do and like where I am. Part of me trusts that without much effort, life will continue to unfold, and I will continue to feel happy. Just stop striving! But the achievement-oriented part of me worries so much about other people's perceptions, constantly pushing me to do more, to reach higher, to be better. And although these sentiments have their place, they should not even come close to ruling me.

Pursuit of the "cool" self ends in shame and disappointment. I never reach those levels. And oftentimes, the real me doesn't even want the things the imaginary "cool" me wants. She wants a steady life, with regular excitement and spontaneity. She wants to live comfortably and have loving relationships with family and friends. That's about it. All the other stuff is fluff.

By relying on the "cool" self to judge my life, I'm denying my true self. My true self likes a lot of the things "cool" self likes and does a lot of the same things. Her life is much the same, but she has another side, a part that does things I might not think are so cool. She is connected to the world in a way that makes achievement less significant. Real me is far cooler than "cool" me. Far cooler.

The challenge lies in accepting her. I must let her shine and give her what she needs instead of expecting her to run on the fumes my cooler self thrives on. Real me doesn't have to move so quickly. Real me likes things just as they are and wants to rest. Real me isn't nearly so frantic, though she may not attend all the parties or call ten people every day. She loves people in her own way. She writes letters and spends quality one-on-one time with people in addition to the few parties she graces with her presence. She radiates a beautiful spirit.

We can all discard our cooler images and accept what is really there. This way, we lose the need to live up to unrealistic expectations and give ourselves a chance to fully rest and enjoy life. It also may give us a window into what we really like and don't like. I can accept me today. I am not the person I was yesterday, nor am I a person I imagine myself being tomorrow. I am as glorious as ever right now, just as I am. Food for thought: Everyone else is, too.

Plans vs. Spontaneity - Struggling to Balance

Do I rely too much on structured plans? Is it okay that I cry out for them? I do. I can take a few instances of instability, not knowing where I will go or what I will do in a day, having all of that taken out of my control. I can deal with some hiccups and unpredictability, but those instances add up, and I often find myself confused and desperate at the end of a long series of changed plans and uncertain days. I crave a scheduled appointment, a night when I know what I will be doing. I crave the steadiness of a routine day.

Is this a weakness? I frequently do things and accept people/events into my life that challenge my tendency toward a type-A lifestyle. I try to stretch my boundaries. But the experiments and attempts to overcome my thirst for absolute order (and perfection, really), leave me exhausted.

I need some stability. I need a measure of security. I can advance beyond my daily to-dos, but I can also take refuge in them. I don't like the carpet pulled out from under me too often. This is simply a personality characteristic. I function best with a measure of routine. But I also need the stimulation of stepping beyond my self-imposed boundaries.

So there I am, hoping that I am advancing at a quick enough rate, all the while knowing, cerebrally, that no timetable exists to mark my progress and grade me pass or fail in my ability to be flexible. I am so much more relaxed than I used to be. My life is freer and more open to spontaneity than ever. But I must come home to a regular rhythm now and again - frequently, in fact.

This is okay. I am making progress day by day. And seeing that I need the stability of knowing when I will need to break out of my independent path helps me give myself what I need. I can make sure that I have a few predictable things on my schedule while remaining open to the unknown, the potential excitement of surprise events and invitations. I remain open to the fluctuation of my feelings. My schedule does not trap me; it is all mine and can be changed to facilitate an expanding life.

I can have both scheduled, plan-oriented friends and spontaneous, unstructured friends in my life. I love them all. But I love myself enough to balance my experience of the two. Ultimately, I want to be able to give of my time liberally to both while maintaining my own sanity. This is what I'm working on today. I am just as I should be right now. I know more and more what I need and see what others need and what they have to give.

My goal is to not be bound by schedules and plans, but rather, to accept plans because they enable me to love myself and others more while embracing the rush of life I find when allowing my feelings and the flow of life to guide me. I want to let go while still functioning in a world where connection requires a little schedule-coordination. Personal freedom always comes first. At least, I believe this today.