A Harder Day / by Michelle Cowan

Today, I am having a bit of trouble. Everything from yesterday still holds true, but today is a new day. Right now, I feel far less accepting of my desire to be alone. My current routine feels disturbingly reminiscent of other times I have moved off into my own place. I am exploring the new territory to which I have moved, and that has provided immense fun. But it feels like much of my time is spent alone. And I must confess that a large portion of my exploring has been restaurant and food-related. I wonder if I will go into binge mode.

I know all the tools I have. I know all the fun and interesting things to do out there, and when I don't know what's going on, I know where to look. I just don't care right now. I want to be alone. I want to cave in. I want to be inside myself and feel out all these feelings. I want to turn inside out and become a new person.

These are strange feelings. But I have seen something that has thrown me off-kilter lately and may be one source of angst: a lack of commitment from people, or at least broken commitments. People either refuse to make promises or break them. It seems that the last few weeks have been rampant with cancellations. This means that I have more of a desire to behave the same way: avoid making plans, stay in my own space, deny that others need my side to make plans, too. It's easy to fall into this - as if I will always have last-minute options arise that will be better than potential plans I could make.

I just feel undervalued. It seems that people I care very deeply for are not making me a priority at all. I am not worth their time - or there are other people in their lives who matter more.

Now, I recognize the selfishness and self-centeredness of this. I want people to devote time and energy to me. And I want to be wanted more than anyone else in their lives. Well, of course, that lacks any tie to reality. Family comes up. I live far away now. But I want to be desired. I want to be reached out to. I used to drop in on people. No one drops in on me. I live far away. This is hard to cope with. I want more friends who live closer.

And so, here I am, fantasizing about food off and on, uncertain about how much I want to exercise, go out, play music, or do ANYTHING. Familiar? Why do I always wind up here?

Can I accept myself if I only want to lay around and eat? Can I make healthy choices? Can I be social enough? Will I create a vibrant life for myself on this new side of town? Yes. Yes. I know what is best. I am following it. I must believe this. I am loved - even if by me alone. I'm sure other people love me, too. I just want to feel it.

I thought I would confess my current food/exercise worries simply to put it out there. I fear falling off the wagon and no one seeing. Even if they saw, would they pick me up? Could they pick me up? I may have to do that for myself.

But I do not intend to fall. I intend to rest and let myself be until I do desire healthier things. This shift usually occurs sooner than I expect. Learning to trust.