Have you ever felt a wheel spinning your chest that you can’t stop? Like the pages of life are turning too fast for you to keep up? "I missed the last line. I want to go back. I want to take control of this spiraling machine of my existence..."
Everything seems so far beyond my grasp sometimes. How can I come to terms with the fact that, ultimately, much of life is out of my hands? Yes, I make choices. I do things. I pick my thoughts and choose my opinions. But many other factors exist simultaneously, things outside of my realm that affect me.
I am starting a new job on Monday, leaving employment I enjoy and coworkers I love. My current work environment is a blessing. I have no guarantees as to what the new world will be. But for many reasons, I know for certain it is the best possible move I could make. Things are moving naturally. However, it’s a vastly different work situation that will require a reconstruction of my daily routine. I know this, so I have been clinging to the routine I currently follow. Next week, I fear it will be shattered to pieces.
And so it might be. But I will not be shattered. I will simply evolve and learn new ways of being. The new is okay. The new is the best that can be. It is leading me to a more fully actualized self. I am excited for this.
I often feel the most out of control when I eat more than usual. I have the sense that I am hanging out to dry, the wind whipping me around on a string. I want to be hungry again. I like knowing that I will be ready when the next meal time comes. But this desire for certain hunger precludes my ability to experience satisfaction. The fact is, I am satisfied in this moment. This moment is full, but still I lean forward into a moment I can’t see, dissolving my experience of real fullness.
This constant shunning of the very satisfaction I seek relates directly to my world outside of food. Right now, my life is solid. My job is good and constant. But I ignore that and focus on the unknowns of next week. I forget that I can feel satisfied now and not worry about the future. Everything will be fine. I am allowed to embrace the current moment, and still be aware that it will all change come Monday morning.
Tomorrow is my last day, but this does not mean my life will end there or be totally ransacked. I can enjoy the stability of today and not dwell on the uncertainty of tomorrow. Who cares what Monday will be? Today is splendid. Today, I cannot be too satisfied. Life is perfect, just as it is.
Affirmation after affirmation, the wheel still turns. An undercurrent of speculation and uncertainty runs just below the surface of everything. I can’t make it disappear despite all my attempts to rationalize it away.
Thankfully, I can choose to feel that feeling. I can own that feeling and not act in unhealthy ways. Today, I can feel anxious and not binge, not starve, not yell at people. I can be myself, admit my anxiety, and go on. I can do incredibly fun things today, even in this moment. I can do the same tomorrow – and every day, even though I don’t know where I might be.
I am safe right now. This is the truth. My stressful feelings are safe. My thoughts are safe. My schedule for today is safe. My behaviors are safe. I can make the choice to live in a positive way. I make the choice to stand strong in who I am and give love to those around me. I don’t have to focus on anything beyond this moment.
Enjoy RIGHT NOW, my friends. This moment is as perfect as it could ever be; don’t dismiss it by worrying over moments to come. Those will be perfect, too.